


Bend and Break

by Winmance



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bottom Jared, Bullying, Guilt, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Top Jensen, but not really friend so..., sex friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-05-13 00:01:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14738270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winmance/pseuds/Winmance
Summary: If Jared had to describe his life, he would say that his life is lonely. Between the bullying and his parents lack of interest, the only true joy he has is Jensen, the baseball player with who he's having sex.But everybody has a limit and Jared is about to find out his own.





	1. Every part of me

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the really sweet Whispersinthewing who beta this work

Jared woke up slowly when his phone rang for the second time. He sighed, hiding his head under the covers and debating with himself whether five more minutes of sleep was too much or not.

He finally got out of the bed ten minutes after his alarm first rang, which meant that now he had to hurry up if he didn’t want to be late.

He went to the bathroom first, took a quick shower before putting his clothes on. He had a presentation today and he made an effort to dress professionally, more than usual anyway. It would be black pants and a grey shirt.

His parents and siblings were still sleeping so he tried not to make too much noise when he left the house, an apple in his pocket for later.

It was cold outside, the wind hitting his face and making him shiver. The next bus was in 15 minutes, since he missed the first one, and he cursed himself silently.

He had gotten his driver’s license earlier that year, but his father didn’t trust him to drive. So instead, he had to ride the bus for half an hour, even more sometimes, to get to his school. In his car he could be at school in seven minutes.

The bus finally arrived, and he had never been so glad.

“Hi,” He said to the driver.

He didn’t get an answer and he immediately regretted saluting the man. It was the first time he had spoken to someone since he had woken up, and it may have sounded stupid, but he would have loved for the driver to have answered.

He wouldn’t say that no one loved him, but he wasn’t popular, far from that, and people were afraid to hang out with him because of the repercussions it could have on their reputations.

He had learnt to deal with it. You can’t change people’s minds, and he only had a year and half to go until graduation.

There were a few people from his school on the bus, but it wasn’t even 7 am yet and everybody was still asleep.

He put his earphones in his ear, letting the music take him away. The first song that played was “Dakota” by Robert Francis. It wasn’t his usual style of music, but Jensen made him listen to it a few weeks ago when he was helping him with his math homework. He didn’t know if there was a hidden message under it, but he liked to think that there was.

“Hi, could I talk to you about our new association?” Someone – a girl around his age, asked him as he got off the bus.

“I … yeah, sure.”

“Awesome. The goal of our association is to spread love, to make friends and you know, just to be happy,” She said, smiling in a somewhat creepy way. Nevertheless, Jared smiled back, because she looked genuinely happy about the association.

“Yeah? And what is it? I mean, what do we have to do?”

“Oh, nothing, really. It’s like, one or two boring meetings and then it’s just party, party and party!” She gave him a flyer, but he already knew that it wasn’t for him. He never liked parties, and it wasn’t about to change.

‘I don’t think it’s really for me,” He said awkwardly.

“Well, you won’t know until you try! Felicia is having a party this weekend, you should come!”

“Ok,” He said, smiling back. He had never seen her before, which was weird because she looked like the type of girl that should be popular. She was tall, skinny but not too much, with an afro haircut that make her eyes even more beautiful.

She was gone before he could even ask her name. He’d probably know it soon enough.

He was about to go to class when his phone vibrated.

**Jack:** _2pm. Locker room._

He smiled to himself but didn’t reply. He knew that he shouldn’t be this happy; he was only texting him for sex, nothing more than that. But what was he supposed to do? He was in love, and if the only way to be close to Jensen was to have sex, then so be it. Maybe Jensen would realize that he loved him too one day.

His phone flew out of his hand when someone bumped into him.

“Watch out, freak,” Chad said, shoving him into the lockers.

His shoulder hit the locker hard, and he couldn’t help the yelp that he gave. It was the third time he’d been shoved into the lockers this week, and he was really starting to feel it.

He didn’t give Chad the satisfaction of replying.  He dropped his eyes and picked his phone back up. The screen wasn’t cracked and he let out a deep breath. Last time his phone broke, his dad was so angry he left for four days, without any texts or calls. He didn’t really care, but he knew how scared his mom was. He didn’t want to live through that again.

Chad and his friends had been bullying him for so long now that it just felt normal to him now. It didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt him physically and mentally, but he learned to deal with it.

He went to class, reading the text he knew by heart again, just to be sure that he had everything in his head. He’d been working on this project for three months now, and while the others were in groups, he had to do it alone. He didn’t mind; he always worked better that way, but it also meant that he had to do the oral part by himself.

“Jared? Are you ready?” Mrs. Homeston asked.

“Yeah, sure.”

He wished he could be anywhere but here. Ideally, he would be with Jensen, in his bed with both of them naked and cuddling. It never happened, not yet anyway, but it was his dream and he could do whatever he wanted in there.

His body shook like crazy and he held onto his papers tightly. It would be over soon. It would only last for ten minutes, maybe fifteen tops, but no more than that. He could do it.

“Hi, so today, I’m going to talk about the French Revolution and its impact on the society.” He took a pause to start his PowerPoint. He could hear some people laughing but he didn’t pay attention. Or he tried not to pay attention, at least.

He started talking again but the laughing just got louder. He could see people whispering to each other while looking at him. His heart was beating like crazy and he wondered if you could die from embarrassment. He couldn’t concentrate properly. He kept stuttering on the words and he could see that the teacher was getting impatient, her pen hitting the table in annoyance.

“I—I” Jared closed his eyes, trying to forget where he was, and instead focus on what he was doing. It wasn’t working, and his face only got redder, his heart hammering in his ears.

“Is your presentation over Jared?” Mrs. Homeston asked.

He still had to give his conclusion, but he didn’t think he could stay up at the front of the class any longer. He nodded before closing the laptop and moving to his desk, head down.

They were all still laughing but he just pretended not to hear them.

He had no idea why they were laughing in the first place. Did he have something on his face? Or were his clothes ugly?

“It was great,” Marta whispered, offering him a smile.

She’s the only one who was nice to him all the time, no matters what. The other kids left her alone because she was taller and stronger than most of them. Once, Chad told everyone that her parents got their green cards by whoring her out and when she heard it, she went to his class and broke his nose in front of everyone, including the teacher. She got suspended for a week, but it was worth it; Chad never even looked at her again.

“Yeah, thanks.”

“Don’t pay any attention to them. They don’t deserve your time.”

“Do you know why they were laughing?” He wondered, looking down at his hands. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but he needed to.

“No idea, but it was probably stupid crap anyway. You were awesome, and so was your presentation. I really liked it.”

Jared smiled, knowing that she was doing her best to reassure him. It was working a little, but mostly because he felt less alone now.

The rest of the hour went by without any other incident. The students did their oral reports, and even if most of them sucked, no one commented on it.

He had no idea why they chose to target him. The first time it happened was when he was five. Chad and his friends pushed him to the floor and took his snack. He came home crying, but his mom was locked in her room, and his dad yelled at him for being weak.

He remembered how much he hated his mom then. She never left her room. She didn’t greet him at the door when he got home from school. She never told him stories anymore, or hugged him. She didn’t even leave her room. It was like living with a ghost. She was there, but her eyes were empty and cold; her face so pale he though she was dying. Then one day he mentioned his sister, asking where the baby was. His parents took her to the hospital but they never came back with her, and the door to her room was always closed. His mom slapped him when he asked if they left her at the hospital before she was crying too much.

He didn’t hate her anymore, not since he understood what really happened, but their relationship broke that day and it never recovered. Not even after his siblings were born.

Marta stayed with him for the rest of the morning, telling him about her boyfriend and where they want to go after graduation. Unlike him, she won’t go to college. School isn’t her thing, never had been and never would be. They only saw each other one day a week but it was enough to make him happy and lightened the mood. He could almost forget what happened earlier.

“You’re going home?” She asked, closing her book. “Or are you staying at the library?”

“Library,” He replied before laughing when she rolled her eyes.

It wasn’t true, and he thought that maybe she knew it. Every time she mentioned the library, her voice took on a different tone, as if she was telling him a secret, and she kept winking at him.

He wouldn’t tell her the truth and she never asked for more. It was an unspoken agreement between them that whatever Jared really did during his time off, concerned no one but him.

He headed to the locker room discreetly, being careful to make sure that no one saw him.

“Hey,” Jared said, walking into the room. Jensen was already here, sitting on the bench with his eyes closed, probably recovering from his training session. “How are you?”

“Good and you?” He asked, his beautiful green eyes looking directly at Jared. It never failed to make him feel weak.

“I …”He bit his lip, not sure of what to say. “No, not really, actually. I had my oral today, and it went so wrong, I mean-”

“Hey, could we get it done? I’ve got something to do after this.” Jensen was already taking his shirt off, not even waiting for Jared to answer.

“Oh,” Jared said, feeling a knot form in his stomach. He should have kept his mouth shut, but how was he supposed to do that? There’s no one he can talk to, except for Jensen. The funny thing was that Jensen talked to him sometimes, when he was feeling down, and Jared cheered him up as much as he could.

The difference was that Jared was in love, while Jensen was just looking for an easy fuck.

There was a time when he was so disgusted by himself; he couldn’t even look in the mirror. How could someone put themselves so low that they gave their whole body to someone? That they let someone take something so personal?

He wished he could blame Jensen. He truly wished that. But he couldn’t, because they agreed on this. Just sex, nothing more, nothing less. He agreed while knowing that it was more for him, and there were times where he regretted it.

“Are you prepped, or do I have to do it?”

Jared almost wanted to laugh at how cold and clinical Jensen sounded right now, but he might end up in tears so he held back, taking his shirt off.

“I’m good.”

Jensen looked at him for a moment, as if he was trying to find the answer to all his questions. Jared was even more embarrassed by that, and he hid his chest with his arms, not sure if Jensen was checking him out or debating with himself if he should touch Jared or not.

“Do you want to have sex? Because you don’t look like you do. We don’t have to, you know.” His voice was gentler than earlier, almost caring, and Jared couldn’t help but smile.

“No, I’m good, I promise.”

Jensen didn’t look completely satisfied, but then he smiled back and shoved his pants and boxers down, his hard cock bouncing against his stomach.

“Alright then,” He said, putting a condom on and lubing his cock up before opening his arms wide open.

Jared laughed, which got him a smirk from Jensen, before taking the rest of his clothes off too. Jensen’s arms wrapped around his waist suddenly, lifting him off the floor without any warning.

Jared gasped and put his legs around Jensen’s waist, his fingers finding their way to his hair.

They never kissed when they had sex. Jared thought that maybe what happened during sex didn’t count for Jensen; maybe he allowed himself to kiss him during the act because it didn’t actually count as kissing.

Jensen lined up at his entrance before going in with one, long thrust. Jared moaned loudly, even if he knew he wasn’t supposed to. They were still at school, even if no one was supposed to come, and being caught in the act was the last thing either of them wanted.

“Fuck, so tight Jay,” Jensen whispered, kissing his neck. “Such a good boy for me.”

“Yes, please harder” Jared begged. “Come on!”

Jensen laughed, which made them both shake, before thrusting harder and deeper, his nails digging into Jared’s thighs. It hurt but Jared couldn’t find himself to care.

He bit down on Jensen’s shoulder when he finally started hitting his prostate, sending waves of pleasure through him. This, this was what he loved.

He got tighter around Jensen until they were both panting. He needed to touch himself so badly but the position they were in didn’t give him enough access, so he needed to get his satisfaction by the little friction he got from Jensen’s chest.

“I’m gonna come,” Jensen moaned, kissing Jared roughly. “You close?”

“No,” He admitted, bouncing himself on Jensen’s cock. “Keep going.”

“I-Fuck, you’re too tight, I can’t-” Jensen’s rhythm became erratic and Jared tried to get as much pleasure as he could before Jensen finally came with one last deep thrust.

He collapsed against him, using the wall as a support.

“Sorry,” He said, hiding his face in Jared’s neck. “Uh, I … Yeah, sorry.”

“It was great.”

Jensen looked really embarrassed, but Jared kissed him again before letting his legs fall off. It really was great, even if he didn’t come. He was really close, but without any actual friction, it was pretty hard to come. It happened once, and he could still remember how shocked they both were.

“You need any help or…?” Jensen asked, already starting to put his clothes back on.

“No, don’t worry.” His dick wasn’t fully hard anymore, probably because he could see how Jensen was rushing to get away.

Every single time they did this, he hoped that Jensen would stay with him a little longer, maybe hug him and kiss him some more. Every time, Jensen left as fast as he could, and Jared was alone with his own shame.

“You going to the party?”

“What?”

“The party? By the association. With the girl, Felicia or something,” Jensen said, pointing to the flyers in Jared’s bag.

“Oh, yeah. I mean, no, I’m not. But I saw her, and she gave me them.”

“You should go,” Jensen said, putting his bag on his shoulders.

“I don’t know, I’m gonna be alone and all, it’s not … It’s not really my thing you know?”

“Well, I’ll be there, so you won’t be alone.”

“I … I’ll see if I can come.”

Jensen smiled before leaving the room, leaving Jared confused. He could feel his heart beating strongly in his chest, and his cheeks were probably red with excitement. He didn’t want to get his hopes too high, but Jensen suggested that they could pass the night together and it was enough to send butterflies in his stomach.


	2. The Party

“Hi, I’m, uh... Felicia gave me an invitation?” Jared said awkwardly, his paper in his hand.

The guy at the door looked at him from head to toes, probably deliberating if he should or shouldn’t let him in, and when Jared’s sure he will be asked to move away, the guy nods and lets him in.

He sighed in relief and walked into the house as fast as he could, afraid that the guy would change his mind.

It was loud inside, way too loud for his liking. There were plenty of people, all from his school, but he never talked to most of them.

Some couples were making out on the sofa, in front of everyone, and he wondered how they could be so wrapped up in themselves that they had no problem with being that intimate in front of everyone.

He was wearing a sweatshirt, as always, and black pants. He hadn't been sure how people dressed for this kind of party but apparently, there was no dress code. Some girls were wearing beautiful dresses with high heels, whilst others looked like they had just woken up and hadn’t bothered to take off their pajamas. Most of the boys were wearing the school football jacket, but the others were either in shirt or in hoodies.

“Well, look who’s here”

He didn’t have to turn around to know that Jensen was behind him. He could recognize that voice anywhere.

“Hey” He said, smiling shyly. His breath was taken away as soon as he rotated round and saw Jensen. He was even more beautiful than usual and Jared wasn't sure how that was even possible. His too tight black shirt was showing all his muscles, whilst his jeans hugged him in all the right places. He wondered what the view was like from behind. He bet Jensen’s ass looked glorious in those pants.

“Hi” Jensen said, smiling and giving him a cup before leaning on the wall “Having fun?”

“I, uh, yeah. I mean, I just got here so no, but soon yeah. Probably”

Jensen laughed at his stuttering and Jared’s embarrassment died immediately. If he could make Jensen laughs, then it was worth it.

But Jensen’s laugh died as soon as it came, his face suddenly falling.

“See you later” He said, abruptly, before walking away.

Jared stood there, gripping his cup in puzzlement and tried to understand what had just happened but then he heard Chad’s voice behind him. He tensed, hoping that he hadn’t been seen, before he turned, very slowly. He watched as Jensen and Chad hugged as if they hadn’t seen each other in years, and Jared took the hint to scurry off into another room.

He had always known that Jensen and Chad were best friends, but he'd hoped that would change someday. That maybe Jensen would get tired of Chad’s bullshit and leave him behind. However, it hadn't happened yet and looked unlikely to anytime soon.

His phone buzzed suddenly in his pocket and as he drew it out, he can’t help but smile when he read that it was a text from Jensen.

_Jack: Bedroom, blue door - ten minutes_

Jared put some time into finding the door which lead to the bedroom, as the crowd got bigger and bigger and made  it hard to navigate. He finally found the room and slid inside, trying hard to be discrete. It was still too early for the bedrooms to be occupied by eager bodies; there wasn't enough alcohol in their systems yet. The room Jared had crept inside was beautiful, with two big windows and family pictures everywhere. There was Felicia, her dad, her mom, and a little brother that Jared had seen once or twice in school. They looked truly happy, but Jared knew better than anybody not to judge a family by the photos that hung proudly on the walls.

Jensen walked into the room fifteen minutes after their initial appointment. After a sheepish “hey", he muttered “Sorry, Chad kept talking about the game”.

“No problem” Jared replied from his spot on the bed.

Jensen smiled before sitting next to him, one of his hand going immediately to Jared’s thigh.

“So, uh, I wanted to, like, apologize, for yesterday. I was kind of an asshole.”

“What? No, it’s ok.”

“No, it’s… No. But look, today, I’ll make you come, that’s a promise” Jensen made a cross over his heart and Jared laughed, joy waving through him. “You’re on board?”

“Always” Jared replied, licking his lips in a way that he hoped looked sexy. He had never really mastered how to appear ‘sexy’, at least not as he wished. He had seen the way girls would draw Jensen’s attention to them by moving their bodies the right way or flicking their hair in a certain manner. Jared himself had never succeeded in appearing as confident.

Jared had a dream that one day, he would wear panties for Jensen. Well, it was mostly for himself, because he felt good in them, and he secretly thought he looked good too. But then he became afraid Jensen would make fun of him or call him stupid and he chose to wear black boxers to their ‘meetings’, as usual.

“You’re hot when you’re moaning” Jensen whispered, jerking Jared off slowly.

“You only say that to have your way with me” Jared replied, eyes closed.

Jensen laughed, licking and kissing Jared’s neck.

“It’s working, isn’t it?”

Jared didn't know how to answer, too caught up in his already coming orgasm. Jensen was jerking him off exactly how he liked it, while kissing him and whispering dirty things in his ears. Sometimes, he wondered why Jensen had sex with him in the first place. He always seemed to like girls more than boys and would rarely touch Jared’s cock if he could help it. There must have been a reason somewhere but no matter how hard he thought about it, Jared couldn't find it.

“Jen-I’m- Fuck” He felt himself moan as he came all over Jensen’s hand for what seemed to be an eternity.

“My turn?” Jensen asked, once it was clear he was done, with pleading eyes.

Jared nodded, still recovering from his own orgasm before sitting up again. He knew Jensen probably expected him to jerk him off, but right now, he wanted to try something else.

“Stay like that” He said, putting his hand on Jensen’s chest. He unlocked Jensen’s belt before pulling his pants and underwear down, to reveal Jensen’s hard dick in front of him. At the sight of it, Jared wondered whether Jensen had gotten that hard whilst jerking him off. Or maybe his body just reacted to the anticipation of what he knew was coming.

It didn’t really matter because Jared was already moving his head slowly towards Jensen's erection and mouthing along it. He only did it a couple of times, and each time it felt amazing.

“Fuck” Jensen cursed when he finally took him in his mouth.

Jared moved his head up and down, letting his tongue play with Jensen’s member while one of his hand’s caressed his balls. He took as much as he could, which wasn’t a lot but still enough to make Jensen moan like crazy. His hips were moving on their own, pushing Jared to his limit but he didn't  care. He liked doing this and if Jensen made him choke a little, then so be it.

“Stop- I- I’m gonna come. You need to stop”

“You could… You could come in my mouth?” Jared murmured up at him, cheeks burning with embarrassment.

Jensen looked at him with wide eyes for a long moment but just as Jared is about to take his words back, he nodded, laying back down again.

Jared took him in his mouth again, sucking strongly on his dick until he could feel Jensen tensing, his fingers in his hair. He came with a loud moan and Jared tried unsuccessfully to swallow everything.

After Jensen was done, Jared ran to the bathroom and spit into the toilet, coughing like crazy.

“Shit, are you okay?” Jensen asked, placing his hand Jared's back.

“Y-Yeah” Jared coughed again as he turned on the tap and cupped his hands to drink some water. “Sorry. It’s… Sorry”

“Sorry? It was one of the best orgasms I've ever had!” Jensen replied, laughing “I swear, if this is what you’re sorry for, I hope you’ll be sorry all the time”

They’re interrupted when they hear a noise coming from outside the door. After a few moments of silence, they could just make out what sounded like Chad cursing and hitting the walls.

“I should go” Jensen said, frowning “I swear, this guy can’t be alone for five minutes”.

“Oh, alright. See you later then?”

“Yeah, sure”

Jared doesn’t get a goodbye kiss or even a second glance from Jensen. But then again, he wasn’t expecting one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all loving it so far


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the tags for this chapter

Jared was eating in the cafeteria, a book in front of him, trying unsuccessfully to concentrate on the words. It had been four days since the party and he still hadn’t heard from Jensen, and had only seen him once or twice in the hallways. Both times, Jensen had ignored him.

He didn’t know what was going on, but he thought it might have had something to do with Chad. Apparently, he had gotten into a fight with a guy from another school and now, there were threats of expulsion.

“Hey Jared.” A voice suddenly said and Jared looked up to see Marta standing awkwardly in front of his table. He hadn't even seen her coming; he’d been too caught up in his own thoughts.

“Hey Marta. Are you ok?” He frowned, realizing how pale her face looked. She was usually way more jovial. Maybe she’d had a fight with Jimmy again.

“Yeah, I… Fuck, I hate to do this but… Uh, you should… You should check the Facebook page of the school” Marta said, obviously uncomfortable and refusing to look directly at him

“Why?”

“Just… You need to” She turned around, but looked at him one last time “If you need to talk, I’m always here alright?”  

She gave him a sad smile before walking away, leaving him alone at the table. His heart was pounding in his chest as he opened the application. At first, he didn’t see anything except for the advertisement for the new library, and the “Missing cat” post someone kept bringing up, but then he saw Chad’s post.

_Did you know that Jared the weirdo was a fag? Saw him sucking someone’s dick at Felicia’s party!!_

It was posted fifteen minutes ago but there was already more than fifty comments, most of them gross and sexual, asking how much he would take to suck a dick or to get fucked. Some were so disgusting that he couldn’t even read them.

His vision blurred with tears, his face burned with humiliation. He could feel people looking at him, judging him and laughing.

He needed to move. He couldn’t stay there, but his body refused to move. Everything was in slow motion, as if the world had stopped moving, and maybe it had, maybe everything had burst into pieces and he wouldn't have to face it.

But it hadn't. The world was still moving, and he knew it the minute someone sent him a private message on Facebook, “ _Wanna take a big fat dick? I’ve got one for you"_

He didn't check who sent it or bother to reply, instead running straight to the bathroom, ignoring all of the other students. He locked the door and sat on the floor. He took out his phone and started reading the comments. Everybody had something to say. The baseball team, the girl who took the bus with him sometimes and even Steven, who he had worked on a project with three years ago. 

No one defended him. 

No one told the others to just shut up, that it wasn’t their problem. 

No one was on his side. 

Jared was  alone. Even more so than usual.

He was probably supposed to cry, now that his whole school knew that he was gay. Jared knew that the other students would bully him even more, his parents would find out, and even his teachers. Maybe it would be written in his file: how much of a stupid, fucking slut he was. He wanted to call his mom. He wanted to cry, to tell her what had happened, for her to comfort him. He wanted for her to tell him that everything would be alright because she was there, with him. But he couldn't phone her because she wouldn't understand that her son wasn’t normal, that he wasn’t the son she wanted to have. 

He waited until the bell rang before leaving the building, his face hidden under his hood. He didn't wait for the bus, didn't want to risk being seen by someone, and so decided to walk instead. It was 40 minutes from the school to his home, if he hurried.

Jared locked himself inside his room as soon as he got home, ignoring his brother’s questioning of why he was home so early. He took his his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through the comments. It was getting worse minute by minute. There were boys that he had never spoken to or even heard of that were confirming that he had blown them, some even saying that he had let them fuck him. He wanted to yell, to tell everyone that they were lies, that he had never, ever had sex with anyone besides Jensen. He didn't know how long he stayed in his room before his father came barging in, his eyes dark with anger.

“You want to tell me what the fucks been going on, Jared?” 

“What?” Jared asked, trying to hide his tears. 

“What?!” His dad yelled back. “You’re asking me what? You’re a fucking faggot, that’s what’s going on!” 

Jared closed his eyes at the words, shaking his head as if he could make them go away. 

“No, I… Dad, it’s not true, I swear!” 

“So, you’re not gay?” His dad asked, arms crossed against his chest. It was obvious he wouldn’t believe him, no matter what Jared said.

“I… Yes, I am, but Dad, I didn’t- “

He didn’t expect the hard fist hitting him in his jaw, nor the distressed scream that came out of his own mouth. He could distantly hear his mom run to his room, asking what was going on, but he couldn’t really concentrate on the words. Jared stayed still on his bed, protecting his head with his arms. He began to hear the sound of his parents fighting but he still wasn’t sure of what they were saying, exactly. He still hoped that his mom was defending him. He still didn’t believe that he had done anything wrong; they had to realize that. They knew him, he was their son for Christ's sake! 

He heard the door of the house close brutally and he knew that his dad had gone out. 

There was a moment of pure silence before his mom walked into his room. She didn't say anything, just sat on the bed. Jared wanted to turn around and hug her, maybe cry some more whilst she whispered reassuring words in his ear. He needed someone to tell him that it was okay, that everything would be okay That none of this mattered. But he knew it would be a lie because this, this was the end of everything. 

“How could you do that, Jared?” She finally said, her voice harsh. “Do you know what everyone will say now? What the people in town will be talking about? God… I… I could never understand you, you know? You’ve always been so… different. So weird. I tried, God knows I've tried. But every time I took one step towards you, I wanted to take two back.” She didn't say anything for a moment, tears rolling down her face. “I wish… I wish it had been you, who’d been sick. I've wished that since the very first day. How can you be here when my baby isn’t?” 

He closed his eyes, more tears pooling there. His own mom didn't love him. She’d rather he be dead than alive. Maybe she was right, maybe he was the one who should have been sick, rather than his baby sister. Everything hurt, and he wanted it to stop. He didn’t have any idea of what he was supposed to do. It was all too much; all of it was just too much. 

Once his mom was out of his room, Jared took his phone out again, trembling fingers composing the number he knew by heart. He needed to have someone by his side now, and there was only one person left. 

“Jensen” He said, holding the phone as close as he could to his ear as soon as he heard Jensen answer. “Can... Can I see you? Please? I… I need to see you.” 

“I’m kind of busy right now.” 

“Please.” Jared whispered, tears running down his face 

“I’m on a date, with Mary.” 

“Mary?” Jared’s throat tightens but he managed to get the name out.

“Yeah, she’s… She’s my girlfriend.” 

Jared didn't answer. What was he supposed to say? He knew that Jensen and him weren't dating, but he thought that Jensen had actually cared about him, even just a little. He should have known better. How could a guy like Jensen ever love a guy like him? 

“Jared?” 

Jared ended the call, unable to talk anymore. 

Jensen had a girlfriend. He was in love with someone, someone who wasn't Jared, not even close to being him. Maybe he should have known. Jensen hadn't checked on him when everything had happened, he didn’t stay with him when Jared was crying on the cloakroom floor. 

The others were right. He was just a fucking, stupid slut, only good at spreading his legs. 

He needed to get out. 

Jared opened the door and snuck out quietly. His parents were in their room; he could hear them talking through the walls. 

The keys for his father's car were on the table and he didn’t even think about it before taking them. It had been almost six months since the last time he’d driven, but he trusted himself to be able to drive. He didn’t really have a choice, anyway. As soon as his dad saw that the car wasn't out front, he was gonna kill him. 

Jared didn’t  know where he was going, had no idea when he was gonna come back. Maybe he should just leave for good. What was the point of staying if no one loved him anyway? But running away wasn't the solution. No matter where he went, no matter how far, he'd still be a freak, a whore. He didn't want to run anymore. Getting in the car, he angrily brushed the tears off of his face. He started the car and peeled out of the driveway.

He didn't know how long he had been driving before he finally stopped and pulled into a layby on the long stretch of road. Checking his phone, Jared saw all of the notifications on Facebook, each one of them meaner than the first. But then he saw it, between all the strangers names and the hateful comments. Jensen had liked the post. That, more than anything else hurt. More than the hateful lies in the comments, more than his mom finally putting into words what he had always secretly known.

He started the car again, going as fast as he could before rushing into the ravine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think of the story so far


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The four first chapters of this fic were beta by supernatural_jerk_bitch7.  
> You may want to re-read them.

 

When Jared opened his eyes, everything was in slow motion. He couldn’t hear anything except a shrill whistle. He could make out that he was under the car but he couldn’t remember how he’d gotten there. He couldn’t feel his legs, but he was too well aware of the rest of his body. It hurt, everything hurtn but he couldn't move, couldn't even see properly. It was hard to breath and to keep his eyes open. He closed them again.

The second time he opened his eyes, everything was dark. It was cold, so cold. His whole body was shaking from the cold and the shock. Someone had to find him. He needed someone to come and rescue him. He didn’t want to die, not like this. He wanted to see his mom one last time, tell her that he was sorry, for everything. Sorry that she lost her baby, sorry that he wasn’t enough. He wanted to see his dad, to tell him that he never wanted to bring shame on the family. That he never wanted to be such a freak.

He wanted to see Jensen. To tell him that he loved him, had done since the first time he lay his eyes on him when he was five and Jensen was twelve and they hid together behind the building of the school, hand in hand, for one hour until someone found them. He wanted to tell him that he never forgot the first time Jensen kissed him, so, so long ago. He wanted Jensen here, because it was getting hard to breath and if he had to see one last thing, he wanted it to be Jensen.

He didn't want to die alone. Please God, don’t let him die alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When he opened his eyes for the third time, he was in a room and it didn’t take him long to figure where exactly he was. There was something in his throat, a tube or something and he tried to pull it out by coughing but he couldn't.

“Hold on, Jared” Someone said, putting their hands on the tube. “You’re gonna take a deep breath and then cough as much as you can. Do you understand?”

Jared nodded, even if he wasn't sure he could do it. He just wanted the damn thing out of his throat, now! The man pulled the thing while Jared cough, and he closed his eyes with the pain that followed the movement. He kept coughing once it was over, accepting the glass of water the man gave him.

“Hi, Jared. I’m Doctor Lucas” the man said, taking a seat next to Jared. “Do you know why you’re here?”

Jared closed his eyes briefly. He remembered why he was here, remembered the pain before the accident, how he wanted it to be over, and then the physical pain and desperation when he was stuck under the car. He nodded, his throat hurting too much to allow him to talk.

“Good. The paramedics took some time to find you, but your injuries aren't so bad, considering. You have a concussion, but it’s minor and with some monitoring you should be fine. The most serious injury you sustained was from your legs. They were trapped under the dashboard and were badly broken. We did surgery and I'm pleased to say that went very well. You’ll need a lot of physical therapy, but with time you should be able to make a full recovery. Your sternum was broken and you were having trouble breathing, which is why we placed you on the ventilator. You have severe bruising, but nothing to worry too much about.”

The doctor smiled gently and Jared could see that he was doing his best to be comforting. He tried to smile back but he thought it probably came out more like a grimace. The doctor didn’t seem to mind, and he replied with another smile of his own.

“Now Jared, we can help you with your physical injuries, but we… We have reason to think that you caused this car accident voluntary”

Jared dropped his eyes, ashamed with himself. He didn't know which was the worst part, being confronted with what he did and suffering the consequences, or realizing that he couldn’t even do that right. How much of a loser was he, if he couldn’t even succeed in killing himself?

“It’s okay.” The doctor said, looking Jared in the eyes. “It’s okay, Jared. What ever made you do this, we’ll help you. You’re not alone.”

Jared bit on his lips, trying to prevent the tears from running, but when the doctor placed his hand on his shoulder, Jared simply burst into tears. He didn't know how long he cried, but Doctor Lucas stayed with him the whole time, reassuring him that it would be fine. Still, Jared silently questioned how he could know that. He had no idea who Jared was, what a freak he was. He probably didn't even know he was gay.

“I want my mom.” Jared finally whispered, his voice rough from talking for the first time after so long. He had no idea how long he’d been in the hospital, but it felt like it had been a few days at least.

“She… She’s not here right now. The nurse is trying her best to get a hold of her.”

Doctor Lucas looked uncomfortable and Jared can hear the pity in his voice. Had his mom even visited him? Or had he been alone the whole time? He didn't ask. Sometimes, it was better not to know.

“Can I go home?”

“No, not right now” Doctor Lucas tried to smile but didn’t succeed. “It will be a few days before you can go home. One week, tops.”

“I… I need to go to school.”

“One of your classmate will drop your homework off, don’t worry.”

Jared wanted to laugh because there was no way anyone would want to be near him anytime soon. He was a freak. A gay slut, and now, suicidal would beadded to the list.

“The police need to speak to you, too. You need to tell them all that you can and try to tell the truth.”

Jared nodded, lost in his thoughts. What was the point of lying? It wasn't like anyone would believe him anyway. They probably knew about the post; the rumor and his parents must have told them what a freak he was.

A nurse came into the room to check his injuries then and he finally looked down. His legs were badly hurt, his skin damaged, and he didn't think they would ever look good again. He knew he should feel lucky to still have them, to be able to walk. But it was just another thing that would make him a freak. There was the imprint of the seatbelt on his chest, as well as bruises. He didn't know how he survived the crash. He should have taken his seatbelt off, but he thought that the impact would have been enough. The nurse started cleaning his face and Jaredwondered how his face looked.Was he disfigured? Doctor Lucas hadn't spoken about any injuries on his face, but maybe it was to let him calm down a little.

“Am I… How’s my face?” He asked, almost afraid to let the words out.

“It’s looking great.” The nurse said, throwing the dirty bandage away. “Just a little bruised but it will heal in no time.”

Jared let out a relieved sigh, thanking the nurse. He was aware that it was stupid to be worried about things like that. He almost killed himself, his legs were badly injured, his parents probably didn't want him anymore, and here he was, worrying about his face.

“There's some people outside, who just want to have a quick talk with you, now that you’re awake. Ifyou start feeling tired or are in pain, just tell them and they can chat you with you later on, alright?”

Jared nodded in reply and watched as she walked out of the room. Following her exit, a man came into his room, followed by two women. The two women were obviously police officers by the looks of their uniforms, but the man was wearing a shirt and slacks. They came to a stop in front of Jared's bed, notebooks in hands. They each introduced themselves, but Jared couldn’t muster up the energy to even listen, past finding out that the man was in fact some kind of psychiatrist. Just hearing that made Jaredfeel small and vulnerable. 

The man, who must have been in his thirties, was tall and muscular.His eyes were so dark they were almost black and he had a stern expression on his tanned face. Even though he made an imposing figure, his face soon softened when he began talking to Jared in a gentle voice, obviously able to tell how nervous Jared was and wanting to reassure him.

“We just want to ask you a few questions, if that’s alright Jared. The car you were driving, who did it belong to?”

“My dad.” Jared said, playing nervously with his fingers “I… I took the keys when he was in his room.”

The man nodded, as if he had already known the answer, and noted something down in his book.

“And then?”

“I just… Just drove” He said, swallowing hard. “I drove for…. I don’t really know how long. An hour maybe? And then I… the car swerved into the ravine.” He whispered, tears picking his eyes

“Why did it swerve, Jared?” The psychiatrist asked, his voice even softer than before. He walked over to the side of Jared’s bed and sat down on the chair there, while the two women stood to one side, taking notes. “Were you trying to avoid something? Did an animal step into the path of your car?”

Jared gave a tiny shake of his head. He realised that they all knew it had been no accident. They’d probably been speaking to the Doctor and he would have explained his fears.

“I'm not sure what happened, really.” He pushed the tears away. He didn't know exactly what the psychiatrist wanted to know, what was important and what wasn't. “I… I had a fight with my parents and I was upset.”

“Yes, we did speak to your parents. They told us something had recently happened at school as well. Do you want to tell me some more about that?”

Jared wasn't sure what to say. He was already in deep trouble, if he mentioned Chad’s involvement, itmight provoke even bigger problems. But then again, it would seem strange to not even mention it.

“It was just stupid school stuff.” He whispered.

“What kind of ‘stuff’? It might make you feel better if you tell someone about it.”

“I don’t want to.” Jared whispered, twisting the hospital blanket in his fingers.

“Were things said about you? Something not very pleasant?”

Jared frowned down at his hands.He suspected that his parents had shown the Facebook post to the police, but he didn't want to discuss it with the psychiatrist.

“I… It wasn’t that bad.”

The man sighed but he didn't seem angry, more sad than anything else. Jared got it. He was ridiculous. Of course, it been bad. He had just tried to kill himself, didn’t it prove something?

“We were shown a post, mentioning you, on your school's Facebook page. They were talking about sexual intercourse that you supposedly had.It’s not very nice to have something like that discussed so publically, is it?”

Jared looked down and shook his head.

“Was it consensual?”

“Yes.” Jared whispered, his voice shaking.

“Are you sure? If it wasn’t, we can help you. But if you’re keeping that to yourself, we can’t do anything to help you.”

“It was consensual. I… We… It wasn’t the first time, that we… did that.”

The psychiatrist nodded and made a note in his book, but didn't push any further. He left the room soon after, but not before giving his card to Jared, telling him to call him if he wanted to talk about things further. It was funny, how everybody was suddenly concerned about his wellbeing. Jared remembered visiting the school nurse one time and when she'd seen his bruises, she simply told him to ‘be more careful', despite the fact that one bruise in particular was in the shape of a boot.

Jared passed the rest of the day waiting for his parents to come; the only human interactions he had in the end were different nurses coming in his room to check his injuries.

Another doctor came too. He didn't look like a doctor at all, with his tattoos and his beard, but he told Jared that he Was Doctor Morgan and was the hospital's psychiatrist. He also informed Jared that he had an appointment with him the next day.

Jared was bored as hell all day and he tried hard not to think about the fact that he had just recently woken up after a week and half of coma with no one at his side.

His parents didn’t come that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway, thank you all for your comments, I'm happy to see you loving this story, and I promise that things will get better for Jared ;)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally able to post this chapter ! I'm so sorry for the delay, but I had a lot of problems finding a beta, - and keeping it- but it should be good now, back to one chapter per week ;)  
> Thanks to the lovely [riverfinleebeckham](https://riverfinleebeckham.tumblr.com/) who beta this chapter in a hurry !  
> From this chapter to the end, all the beta work was done by [kraykraykat55](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kraykraykat55/pseuds/kraykraykat55) and by [debivc78](https://debivc78.tumblr.com/)

“ So, Jared, how are you feeling today? ” Doctor Morgan asked, taking his notebook out of his bag.

“ Good, ” Jared said, but there was no conviction with it; and they both knew it was a lie. He'd been awake for three days, and no one came to see him. Someone dropped  off  his homework, but he'd been asleep. It was probably Marta since he heard her walking into his room, and Jared could ’ ve sworn he felt it when she dropped a kiss on his forehead. He wished he had had the will to wake up, but the medication was still to strong for him.

“ Did you sleep well? ” Doctor Morgan asked.

“ Yes. ”

“ No nightmares? ”

“ No, ” he lied again.

Doctor Morgan  – JD, frowned, and Jared didn ’ t know if he was trying not to laugh at how evident the lie was or trying not to shake him for not telling him the truth. Both, probably. The first time Jared saw JD, he thought it was a joke. There he was, unable to stand up, unable to move his legs or his arms, in front of a man who looked more like a biker than a doctor with tattoos on his hands and arms and cigarettes on his desk. The room wasn ’ t white like the other rooms of the hospital. No, here, there were drawings, posters, and pictures on the walls along with soda cans on the floor, and if Jared hadn ’ t known he was in a hospital, he would ’ vethought he was in a teenager's room.

JD didn ’ t ask him some deep and meaningful questions right away. In fact, he stayed on the surface for most of the sessions, simply asking him what his favorite shows were or his favorite food. It was like hanging out with a friend, and Jared quickly started to open up a little more; and without realizing it, he was talking about the problems he had in school and at home. He left Jensen out of it though.

“ Alright then. You seem really good for someone who jumped in a ravine, ” JD said.

Jared bit his lips without answering. He knew what JD was doing. It wasn ’ t about humiliating him; it was about forcing him to face what he did, to make him talk, but it still didn ’ t work. Jared wouldn't talk, and if he wasn ’ t in a wheelchair, he would be out of the room in a heartbeat.

“ So, did you catch up on your homework? ”

“ Yeah, well, not everything. I've missed almost two weeks of school, so there's a lot to catch up on. ”

“ You're telling me, ” JD said, putting some chocolate on his desk. Jared wondered if the nurse told him that he wasn ’ t eating, or if he was trying to buy him with candies.  “ Why don't you ask your friend to help you? ”

“ I don't … I don't really have a friend ”

“ Yeah? What about the one who dropped your homework? ”

“ Marta? Shes … Shes not really my friend. I mean … We just talked sometimes, but I don't think she wants to spend time with me. ”

JD frowned again, but this time, he looked more intrigued than anything else with a little smirk appearing on his face, and it was Jared's turn to frown.

“ Marta? ” JD questioned.

“ Yeah, ” Jared simply replied, still trying to figure out what was happening.

“ Marta as... Shes a girl, right? ”

“ Well, I mean, I think she is? ” He was pretty sure Marta was a girl. If she's not, then she wanted to be called one; and he won't call her otherwise.

“ How is she? Physically, I mean. ”

“ Oh, uh, she's … Shes pretty with black hair and brown eyes. Shes Hispanic, tall, and maybe a little overweight. ”

“ I see, ” Doctor Morgan said, scratching his beard.  “ So she's not a football player with brown hair, freckles and green eyes? ”

Jared's heart stopped immediately, and his face must have shown something because JD smiled, apparently happy with himself.

“ Did … Did Jensen come? ” He whispered, fear and hope mixing in his mind, making his voice shake.

“ Yeah, well, I don't know his name, but if he matches that description then it's him. Marta came too. ”

Jensen was here? Why? Why hadn ’ t he stopped to see him? Maybe it wasn ’ t for him. Maybe someone else is at the hospital, and he was just visiting them?

“ He dropped my homework? ”

“ Yeah, among other things, ” JD leaned on his chair, watching as Jared got more and more excited by the information he was giving him.

“ Other things? What do you mean? ”

“ What I mean is that maybe you should ask him? ”

“ I don't … I don't think he'll come back, ” Jared said, swallowing hard as he tries to push his emotions back.

“ You may be surprised, Jared. Maybe there are more people that care about you than you think. ”

Jared didn ’ t answer, but the sentence stayed in his mind.

If so many people cared about him, where were they when he needed them? They all knew what was going on, and yet, they didn ’ t do a thing. Jensen took Chad's side; he made it pretty clear. So why would he come now?

“ I want to propose something to you, ” JD said, his serious expression back in place.  “ It's a group session, where the person of your choice comes. It may be your parents, Marta, or Jensen. They can all come together, and we'll talk about you. ”

“ I'm not sure I want to know what they think of me, ” Jared laughed.  “ My parents didn ’ t even come. The staff called them. I called them, but they didn ’ t come. They didn ’ t even pick up the phone. ”

JD sighed, his face showing a mixture of pity, sadness, and embarrassment. Jared didn ’ t want his pity. He didn ’ t want anyone's pity.

“ I know, Jared. I'm very much aware of it, but maybe they would agree to this? Send them a message, and we'll see. If no one comes, we will do our session as usual. It's our what? Seventh session together? I love being with you, I truly do, but I feel like we should focus on your relationships outside of the hospital. Of course, we'll still have our private session ”

Jared thought about it for a moment. He didn ’ t have anything to lose after all. He doesn't think his parents will come, but Marta will probably. Jensen … He didn ’ t know if he should text him or not.

“ I don't have my phone ” He said, only now realizing that he was still not allowed to have it. The only time he was allowed to use it was in Jeff's office when he wanted to call his parents. Other than that, it stayed locked in JD office for his own safety.

“ You can use it here, but I need to see what you're doing ”

“ Yeah, but I'm still not sure of who I want to be here. ”

“ Well, who are you sure about? ”

“ My parents, I guess. I don't want my siblings to come, they're too young. ” He stopped, thinking for a moment,  “ I … I don't think Marta should come. I mean … She never done anything, we're not even that close. ”

“ She seemed to care about you. ”

“ I … No. It's … No. ”

“ Alright. You're the one choosing here. What about Jensen? ”

“ I … I don't know. ”

“ I see, ” JD said, taking Jared's phone out of his drawer.  “ Text your parents. Then you go back to your room, and when you make your decision, you come here. I'm working until two today, and I will tell Doctor Lucas that you're allowed to text Jensen. ”

“ Yeah, ok. Uh, his name … His name is Jack, in my phone. ”

“ Jack? ”

“ Yeah, it's … A nickname. ”

JD didn ’ t answer right away, simply looking at Jared like he was trying to find all the answers to all his questions. Jared wouldn't admit it out loud, but it was nice to have someone caring so much about him, even if he knew it was only because of his job.

“ You know we'll need to talk about your relationship with Jensen, right? ”

“ I know, ” Jared said, sending the text to his parents.

JD smiled before walking him out, and a nurse drove him to his room, as usual. He could do it alone, but they always refused. He didn ’ t know if it was because of the wheelchair or because he was suicidal. He asked JD, and the only answer he got was that he was too pretty to walk alone in the hospital. That got a laugh out of Jared, the first one in a long time.

It was stupid to say, but he liked JD. He was a nice, really nice, but he knew that it was his job to be nice with his patients; however, Jared couldn't help but think that JD liked him too. It was great to be able to talk to someone, even if Jared wasn ’ t really cooperative.

“ Lucia? ” He asked before the nurse left the room.  “ Did you … Did you see a boy, around my age, coming to give me my homework? ”

“ Jensen Ackles? Hard to miss him. ” She winked before laughing, and he tried to smile, shoving back the little bit of jealousy that was growing inside of him. Jensen wasn ’ t his, and he had to understand that.

“ Yeah. If you see him again, could you tell him to come in my room? ” He could see how her brain was working by the way she smiled, her cheeks getting red as her smile went wider.  “ No, it's not-I think there's a page missing, and I can't do the rest of my exercises. ”

“ Of course, I'll tell him to come help you with your  “ exercises ” . ”

She laughed as she walked out of the room, ignoring Jared as he yelled after her.

He was left alone in his room once again, but his mind was lighter than before. He was supposed to go home in a few days, but he wasn ’ t sure if it was a good idea. As weird as it sounds, he was happier in the hospital than he was in his own house. He didn ’ t even know if his parents would want him, and maybe he was just trying to avoid having to deal with the truth.

He spent the rest of the day watching TV or pretending too. His mind only focusing on Jensen, and if he should or shouldn't tell him to come. Would he come if he invited him?

At five pm, he had his physical therapy. Since he couldn't do hard work because of his chest injuries, the doctor did most of the work, but it was still tiring. His legs hurt, and he hated not being able to do anything except lie down. The doctor told him that he would be able to do physical therapy in the pool soon, and he couldn't wait to be able to move on his own again, even if it was just in the water.

When the nurse put him back in his bed, he tried to stay awake but fell asleep in no time, the little energy he had gone. He kept having nightmares, vivid ones, where he could feel and live everything that was happening, and sometimes, he wasn ’ t sure if it was real or not. He knew he should probably talk about it with JD, but he couldn't find himself to do so . 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think of this chapter :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to [kraykraykat55](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kraykraykat55/pseuds/kraykraykat55) who beta this work

He woke up when he heard someone entering the room.

“ Doctor Lucas said you had to let me sleep ” He groaned, keeping his eyes closed and trying to roll on his side.

“ Uh, sorry ”

He opened his eyes as soon as he heard the voice, recognizing it right away. Jensen was here, right in front of him. He would like to say he looked as beautiful as the last time he saw him, but it would be a lie.

He looked horrific.

He was still beautiful, of course, but there was deep, dark circles under his eyes, he looked thinner, paler, and this vision made a knot form in Jared stomach.

“ I … I should leave ” Jensen said, turning around

“ Wait! ” Jared tried to sit up but he did it too fast, a deep pain shooting in his body as he yelled in shocked and pain. Jensen was at his side in a heartbeat, worry showing all over his face.

“ Careful! ”

“ Sorry ” Jared said, sitting up properly this time with Jensen's help

“ No, it's me, I shouldn't … The nurse said you had a problem with an exercise. A paper is missing? ”

“ Oh, uh, yeah. I mean, not really, but there's … I don't understand something ”

Jensen licked his dried lips before nodding. He sat on the chair next to Jared, waiting patiently for him to take his things out.

Jared tried not to show his panic, having no idea of what he could asked Jensen. Truth is, he barely had time to study, and the only pages he did were done without any problems. He picked a random page, hoping that it will be a hard question.

“ You didn ’ t understand the math? ” Jensen frowned

“ Yeah, I mean, just … This one. You're a year older, so this is easier for you ”

Jensen gave him a weak smile before starting to explain as best as he could. It was stupid and they both were aware of it. They had done homework together since before high school and Jared always been on top of the class, even explaining some of the basics to Jensen on multiple occasions. But neither of them mentioned it and Jared asked questions when he could think of one, while Jensen replied gladly.

Jared heart was beating so fast, he couldn't concentrate on anything. Jensen was right beside him, for the first time since a long time, and all he wanted to do is yelled at him. Because Jensen, standing here, helping him, is the same Jensen that turned him down when he needed him the most. He was angry at him, so angry, but yet, he needed him to be here.

“ So, see, you can't- “

“ Why did you like the post? ” He asked, without caring at how tense Jensen immediately became.  “ I get that you didn ’ t help me, I get that you found yourself a girlfriend. I mean, it hurts, but we were never a thing, were we? ” Jensen shakes his head, and Jared wanted to slap himself for the pain in his chest as Jensen confirmed it. Nothing. They were nothing to each other. He tried to keep a neutral expression, not letting any emotions slip. “ I don't get why you liked the post. You didn ’ t need to do that to make me understand that you didn ’ t care about me ”

“ I care ” Jensen defended himself  “ I care, Jared. But, I... I don't … . I don't want to talk about it ”

“ You don't want to talk about it? ” He laughed but there was no humor behind it and Jensen's face became even whiter. He didn ’ t know if it was the stress, the pain, the hurt, or something else, but he couldn't stop laughing, ignoring the way his chest hurt like crazy. He couldn't do anything but laugh, until the laugh turned into cry.

He was screaming, he knew that, but he couldn't stop himself, the pain, the betrayal, the loneliness of the past few days, few weeks, few months even finally getting out, exposing themselves to the world in a horrific scream.

“ Jared, please, you need to stop ” Jensen begged, and Jared could hear how his voice was shaking, how close he was to crying, but he didn ’ t care. Because Jensen didn ’ t care. “ I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry ”

Jensen left the room without another word, leaving Jared alone once again.

Lucia came immediately after, but there was nothing she could do to help him. The only one that could help him just ran away from him.

They sedated him. It was for his own good, probably. He had a lot of injuries, what the point of hurting himself even more?

He wondered if this was how you felt when you're high. Calm and relaxed. But not happy. Not even close to happy. Not having thought doesn't mean you're not suffering. It's simply a different pain.

“ Jared, how are you feeling? ”

“ Bad ” He said, holding the cover they put on him close to his chest.  “ I … I don't want to be sedated again. Never. ”

“ I know ” JD said, and he looked truly sorry about it too.

They were in his office, two days after the  “ incident ” as JD called it. It wasn ’ t one though. It's not an incident if it's the truth.

“ I made a decision, and I hope you'll be ok with it. I called your parents and told them to come tomorrow instead of today ”

“ They agreed to come? ” He asked, unable to hide his surprise

“ Yes, they did ” JD smiled, and Jared could almost hear the  ‘ I told you so ’ .  “ Then I called Jensen ”

Jared clenched his jaw but didn't say anything, the little joy he was feeling fading away as soon as it came.

“ I asked him to come today, so we could talk all together ” He paused, waiting for Jared to reply. When he still didn ’ t say anything, JD continued talking.  “ He said yes ”

“ I don't want to see him ” He said harshly

“ I think it's important. Because I think Jensen has a lot to tell you, if you let him talk ”

“ He said he didn ’ t want to talk about it ”

“ But he agreed to come ”

Jared didn ’ t answer, refusing to let his hopes get too high. He didn ’ t know why Jensen was coming, but he couldn't think of a single reason to believe his heart wouldn't be broken.

They wait five minutes in dead silence, Jared looking at JD like he betrayed him  – and he did, somehow, while JD was trying his best to ignore him. When Jensen knocked on the door and entered the room, Jared refused to look at him, keeping his eyes glued to the wall in front of him.

“ Hello Jensen, I'm doctor Morgan, we talked on the phone ”

“ Hi, yeah, I remember ” He shook his hand before sitting next to Jared. He didn ’ t look at him.

“ So, how about we start by talking about your relationship? ”

Both of the boys faces fall down and JD was part amused part worried. If they refused to talk, there's no way he could help them.

“ Boys, I can't read your thoughts you know? ”

“ We … We used to … Uh … To have sex, together ” Jensen whispered, his legs shaking violently.

It was the first time they ever told anyone about them, and more important, the first time Jensen told anyone he had sex with another man.

“ Just sex? Nothing more? ”

Once again, neither of them responded, but Jared frowned and turned discretely toward Jensen. Why wasn ’ t he answering? It was more for Jared, but not for him. It never been more. Maybe he was afraid Jared would burst into tears again, not that he could blame him.

“ I see ” JD sighted, scratching his head  “ Jensen, do you care about Jared? ”

“ Yes ” He replied so fast JD couldn't help but smile.

Jared, on the other hand, rolled his eyes, arms crossed against his chest. He won't fall for it.

“ You don't think he does? ”

“ No ” He said,  “ He doesn't. I think … I think he ’ s feeling guilty, because he knows that he ’ s part of the reason I did this. But he doesn ’ t care. If he cared, he would have come see me when his best friend published his post on Facebook. He would have come when I asked to see him. He wouldn ’ t have liked the post. ”

“ I ’ m sorry ” Jensen said, turning toward Jared. It ’ s the first time they truly look at each other since the beginning of the session  “ You have to believe me, Jay. I ’ m so, so sorry. Because I … I … Fuck, I don ’ t know! I just … Things happened, I got scared. I never though you would do this. I would have come, I swear I would have come ”

“ Yes, because you ’ re feeling guilty ”

“ No, because I fucking care about you! ” Jensen yelled  “ I care about you more than I can even say. You think this is guilty? Because it ’ s not. When the police said you were missing, I didn ’ t think about how responsible I was. I thought about where you were, if you were ok. I though you ran away, and I thought … . I thought it was the best decision you ever made. ” He softens his voice, swallowing hard  “ You ’ re … You ’ re special, Jared. In the most beautiful, amazing way. This town? Its always dragged you down. It was killing me because I knew I would never see you again, but I was happy for you. I really was ”

“ They said I ran away? ” Jared frowned, trying to understand everything Jensen just said.

“ Yeah. At first. But then they said that you didn ’ t take any clothes, not even your money, and they started worrying. I … They interrogated the whole school, and I told them about Chad and the post. ” He dropped his eyes to the ground  “ I told them about us, too ”

Jared startled in surprise. He would have think Jensen kept that information to himself, couldn ’ t even imagine him denouncing his best friend.

“ Then I started looking. I stopped going to school and I just … Kept searching. I tried to … I tried to think of what you would have done, where you would have gone. ”

“ But you didn ’ t find me ”

“ I did ” Jensen replied, tears running freely on his face  “ I found you, two days after the crash. They didn't even know how you made it that long. I … God, Jared, you were … There was so much blood. Everywhere. I can ’ t … Every time I close my eyes, I see you, dying. ”

“ I ’ m sorry ” Jared whispered, not sure of what to say.

“ No, I ’ m sorry. I made you do this. I knew you weren ’ t fine, long before the post. But it was … . It was easier to pretend not to notice ”

They shared a long look, none of them sure of what to do. There was a lot of things to talk about, a lot of things to say, but they didn ’ t know how to say it.

“ Why you didn ’ t come? To the hospital, I mean ”

“ I was there. Every single day, I asked about you, I looked at you, but I couldn ’ t come and talk to you. It wasn ’ t the right time ”

“ I was alone ” Jared said, his throat tightening  “ I was left alone. My parents didn ’ t come. No one came. ”

“ I know! But what was I supposed to say?  ‘ Sorry for pushing you to try to kill yourself. Sorry for putting so much shit on you. Sorry for being a coward and not being able to tell you the truth ’ ? I couldn ’ t come because I would have made things harder. I- I was here, I promise you I was here. Every single day. I came to your room when you were asleep, but I … I couldn ’ t do that to you, not after everything ”

The kiss, Jared thought to himself. But now isn ’ t the time to think about that.

“ What truth? ”

“ What? ”

“ You said you couldn ’ t tell me the truth. What ’ s the truth, Jensen? ”

“ I … I … I can ’ t ”

“ Bullshit ! You can tell it! I want to know! ”

“Jared, calm down” JD said, his voice as calm as possible. “You can’t push Jensen to tell you something if he’s not ready. I’m not saying – “

“ Chad saw us ” Jensen licked his lips nervously  “ At Felicia's party. He saw us in the bedroom. He … He thought I was with a girl and he tried to look through the windows. He saw us, and that ’ s why I was ignoring you. I told him that it was just … Just a one-time thing, that we were both drunk and he believed it. But I had to stop talking to you because he was watching me closely. But then he told me he wanted to make a post about you and I got angry. We fought but it was too late, he already posted it. ”

“ And then? ”

“ Then I thought I could keep pretending. I mean, I had Mary, right? Who would believe Chad? Mary … She ’ s the one who liked the post, not me. She had my phone and thought it was funny. I never would have done that ”

“ Are you … Are you still with her? ”

Jensen shaking his head, and Jared knew he couldn ’ t ask for more information. Not today, at least.

It was already a lot to take, to understand. He wanted to be angry with Jensen, but he couldn ’ t, not when he was looking so miserable. Jensen wasn ’ t the only one responsible for his depression, even if he did have an important part in it, and he had no idea what he would have done if the roles had been reversed.

“ I think that's enough for today ” JD said, closing his notebook  “ I ’ m glad you came, Jensen. We should see each other again. With or without Jared ”

Jensen nodded, keeping his head down.

“ Maybe you could drive Jared to his room now? No need to ask the nurse if you ’ re here ”

Jared tensed, biting the inside of his cheek. He could go alone, he should say it, but he wanted to spend as much time as he could with Jensen, as pathetic as it sounded.

They said goodbye to JD before walking away, the tension palpable between them. Jensen had his hands in his pockets, looking so small and fragile, far away from the strong boy he used to be. It was hard, to see him so weak, so depressed, not like he used to be before the crash. He knew that he should say something, but he couldn ’ t find the words. How could he be angry at Jensen for doing nothing when he couldn ’ t do it either?

“ They … They don ’ t know you tried to … They think it was just an accident ” Jensen said, barely audibly

“ Who? ”

“ At school. I … I don ’ t know if it matters, but there ’ s just the principal, your parent and I who know the truth. Some of them think you tried to do it but not a lot. ”

“ The teachers? ”

“ No. Your dad told the principal that he wanted no one to know ”

For a short moment, Jared thought they were doing this for him, so he could go back to school normally. But of course, it had to do with his dad. Having a gay son is enough of a shame without him being suicidal.

“ Thanks. For letting me know ” He wasn ’ t only talking about now, and he hoped Jensen understood

“ Wish I did it sooner ”

“ You can ’ t undo the past ” Jared said, giving him a weak smile

They stopped in front of Jared ’ s room, neither of them making a move as they simply looked at each other, waiting for the other to do something. He didn ’ t want Jensen to leave, but he didn ’ t want to forgive him either. Or maybe he wanted too, but he wasn ’ t sure he could. All he knew is that right now, he needed Jensen to be with him because he couldn ’ t spend another day alone.

“ You … You could stay a bit, if you want ”

“ Yeah, I would like to ” Jensen said, his eyes shining with happiness and something that looked like hope.

Jared couldn ’ t hold back his smile.


	7. Chapter 7

Jared was allowed to have his phone back one week after his first meeting with Jensen, right after JD gave him a long and boring speech about what he was and was not allowed to do, how he shouldn ’ t believe everything he saw online, and how he should always talk to him if he read something that bothered him.

Jared could see how tense JD was, holding the phone a little to tight as if he wasn ’ t sure he should give it to him. Truth is, Jared could care less about having his phone back. Sure, he missed listening to his music and watching stupid videos, but he found other distractions during these past few weeks, and he didn ’ t need his phone. But it wasn ’ t about the phone itself, it was about JD trusting him enough to give it to him. It was JD rewarding him for his good work, for talking to him and for getting better.

He remembered watching movies where the parents would give a car to their children the day they graduated, pride and joy mixing together and allowing the family to bond even more, like a tradition that allows you to become an adult. He wondered if JD felt the same way at this moment, a little stressed from having so many responsibilities, but prouder than ever.

“ No tinder or any of that shit, you hear me? ” JD threatened him

“ Really funny ” Jared rolled his eyes but smiled anyway.

Growing up in a city like his doesn ’ t encourage you to out yourself. For most of his childhood, he thought that being gay was a disease, something that you should be afraid and ashamed of. When he was twelve, he realized he was gay, and he remembered spending nights crying, cursing whoever made him gay, when all he wanted was to be normal.

It was hard to admit, but before being in the hospital, one little part of him still thought that it was nothing else but a sickness. He was ashamed of himself, ashamed of who he was, of who he loved. He hated himself for feeling that way, but he hated himself even more for being gay.

But JD helped him. More than anyone ever did. He made Jared understood that being gay was a part of him, but wasn ’ t all of him. Slowly, he broke the walls that years of brainwashing had pushed inside of him, until Jared was able to tell JD he was gay without dropping his eyes to the floor right after.

He wondered if JD is doing the same with Jensen, helping him to out himself, or if they focused on something else. Jensen only had two sessions, but he still stopped everyday to see Jared, even through they generally didn't talk a lot.

It ’ s hard to say, but Jared is still pissed at Jensen. He didn ’ t want to be mad and angry anymore, but he didn ’ t want things to go back to what they were either, and he wasn ’ t sure if Jensen knew what he wanted, now. Not that Jared knew any better anyway.

After his session with JD, he went to his physical therapy followed by his check up with his other doctor. He knew that even once he's out of the hospital, he ’ ll have to come back at least twice a week, whatever it will be for his physical therapy or just a check up. He can already see the progress that he's made, and he was now almost able to stand up without any help.

He was watching TV, or more likely day dreaming in front of the TV, when his phone buzzed for the first time.

He'd completely forgotten about it, the inert object laying on his nightstand for several hours now, without even getting one glare in his direction. What was the point? He didn ’ t want to see other posts about him on Facebook, didn ’ t want to see that he hadn ’ t gotten one single text for weeks now. He wished the damn thing would have broken during the accident.

Looking at the screen turned out to be more complicated than what he thought. Back with JD, it was easy, because he wasn ’ t alone. But now, laying alone in his room, with no one to reassure him, to check on him, the apprehension was growing stronger and stronger by second.

He could do it. He would do it.

He pushed the button and the screen lit up.

_ Jack: Hey, JD said I could text so here I am _

He ’ s almost sure his heart stopped beating, and he turned the phone until he wasn ’ t able to see it anymore.

He took a big breath before turning it back, his hands sweating with stress. He shouldn ’ t be stressed. It was just Jensen, the same one that who him a chocolate cupcake last week, even through the nurse told him he shouldn ’ t. They want him to follow a strict diet, but he was dying for cupcakes and having Jensen bringing one made it even better.

_ Jared : Hey. Yeah, I got my phone back _

It was a lame text. He should ask him something, giving him an opportunity to engage the conversation. Shit, he was bad at this.

_ Jack: Big step !Think you ’ re ready? _

_ Jack: Not that I think you ’ re not ready _

_ Jack: That ’ s not what I meant. You ’ re totally ready. Gonna rock it! _

_ Jack: Sorry :/ I ’ m bad at this _

_ Jared laughed while reading the text, happiness and relief filling him. At least, he wasn ’ t the only one who sucked at texting. _

_ Jared: No problem. Yeah, it ’ s a big step, and I guess I ’ m ready. You ’ re not coming today? _

_ Jack: Have a test in biology tomorrow, my folks don ’ _ _t want me to go out. Could sneak out if you want?_

Would Jensen really do that? Disobey his parents just to come and see him? He knew how Jensen always made it a point to make his dad proud of him, following all his directives, even if it wasn ’ t what he wanted. But here he was, ready to break their trust for nothing else but to see him.

_ Jared: No, I ’ m pretty tired. Good luck with your test _

_ Jack: Thanks _


	8. Chapter 8

“ Ready for the big world? ” Jensen asked, throwing Jared ’ s backpack on his shoulder. 

“ Never been more ready ” Jared sighed, his crutches under his arms.

He was finally leaving the hospital, after almost two months. His parents came to the meeting with JD, but it wasn ’ t full of emotions, love or apologies. It was five minutes of cold talk before asking if Jared could leave. Jared left the meeting feeling sad and lonelier than he'd felt in a long time.At least, they still wanted him home, if it could be a consolation.

But Jensen was waiting for him in his room when he came back. In fact, he stopped at the hospital every single day without exception. He was there in the morning, bringing breakfast for Jared, then in the afternoon after school, talking about nothing and everything. Not everything, though. There was a subject that they still refused to talk about.

When Jared asked him about the football game, he changed the subject immediately, making up a vague excuse about not having time to play anymore. Jared didn ’ t push things further, but he saw the look on Jensen ’ s face, the one with so much sadness that he just wanted to hide and protect him forever.

They never talked as much as they do now. Well, they did, once or twice, but it was never without sex after.

That was another subject they didn ’ t bring up. What are they, now? They didn ’ t kiss, they didn ’ t touch each other, but Jensen spent all his time with him and even the night sometimes, in the chair next to Jared ’ s bed, trying to keep the nightmares as far away as possible.

“ So, I guess I will see you tomorrow? ” Jensen asked, helping Jared out of the car

“ Yeah, sure ”

“ You want me to come drive you to school? ”

“ It ’ s not on your way ”

“ Don ’ t mind ” Jensen said casually, but his face was almost begging Jared to say yes.

“ Yeah, ok ”

“ Cool. Be ready at seven. And if … If you want to talk or anything, you can call me ”

Jared gave him a little smile, thanking him silently. They stood in front of each other for a long time, not sure of how to say goodbye. Jensen finally chose to hug him, pulling Jared against his chest and supporting him. It was nice, feeling Jensen so close to him again, nicer than it should be, probably. No one said anything when they hugged a little longer than what was expected, but it was probably just another thing they won ’ t ever mentioned again.

He thought he would feel something, walking in his house after being gone for so long, but he didn ’ t feel anything. No joy, no pain, nothing. Simply silent, as if he never even left.

“ I ’ m home ” He said, wondering briefly if his parents even remember he was coming home today.

“ Jared! ” Laurie yelled, running in the stairs as fast as she could. She threw herself in his arms, hugging him as strong as a ten-year-old can do.  “ I missed you! ”

“ I missed you too ” He whispered, hiding his face in her hair. He did miss her, more than he thought he would. They never been close, even Evan was practically a stranger to him, and yet, he missed his siblings as much as he missed his parents, maybe even more.  “ Hey Evan ” He said when his brother came down.

He could instantly see that his brother wasn ’ t right. His eyes were full of tears, and he looked more tired than Jared ever saw him. There was a knot in his stomach when he realized he was the reason his brother looked so miserable.

“ Hey ” Evan said, taking Jared ’ s bag  “ Mom and dad went out for groceries. You wanna rest a little? They said you would be tired ”

“ Yeah, it could be nice ” His legs were starting to hurt after standing up so much, and he barely slept last night, the excitement and fear of coming home keeping him awake.

He went to his room after hugging his sister a little more, his brother following closely.

He was surprised to see that nothing had changed in his room.The same sheets were on his bed that were there before he left, his dirty clothes were still on the floor where he threw them, his books were still open on his desk. He thought his mom would have cleaned everything, giving how crazy she was with propriety, but even the glass of water he'd put on his nightstand was stillthere.

“ Jared? Can I come in? ” Evan asked, standing awkwardly in front of his door

“ Yeah, sure ”

Evan didn ’ t seem to know what to do at first, looking back at the bed where Jared was and the chair at the desk. He finally chose the bed, sitting on the very edge of it.

“ You wanted something? ” Jared asked when his brother still hadn ’ t talked

“ Yeah, I … Are you ok? ” Evan asked, finally looking directly at Jared. His voice is shaking, as if he was on the edge of crying and Jared couldn ’ t say for sure that he wasn ’ t.

“ Of course. I mean, it was a pretty big accident but that ’ s it ” He smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring way, but it doesn ’ t seem to reassure Evan.

They didn ’ t talk for a moment and Jared thought that their conversation was simply over, but Evan didn ’ t move, just kept playing with his fingers.

“ I know it wasn ’ t an accident ” He whispered  “ I … Mom and dad, they said it was one, but I didn ’ t believe it. I saw how sad, you were, when you came home. I heard dad hitting you and … I read the post, online ” Jared closed his eyes, refusing to think about his little brother reading such awful things about him.  “ Then you went missing and all I could think about was how I could have stopped it. Maybe … Maybe if I had come to your room instead of mine that night, you would have told me how bad you were feeling, but I didn ’ t do it ”

“ It wasn ’ t your fault ” Jared frowned, but Evan just dropped his eyes to the floor  “ Evan, it wasn ’ t your fault. I swear, you couldn ’ t have done anything. I didn ’ t … I didn ’ t know I was going to do it. It wasn ’ t your fault, I promise ”

Evan busted into tears, and Jared moved as fast as he could to take him in his arms. He hated himself for doing this, for causing so much pain to his little brother. He hated himself for thinking that no one cared about him, and for making them all suffer.

“ Can I sleep here? ” Evan asked, his face hidden in Jared ’ s neck

“ Yeah, of course ”

They both lay next to each other, Evan's head resting on Jared's shoulder, while Jared put his arms protectively around his brother. Their little sister came at some point but didn ’ t say anything. Simply mounted the bed, sliding beside Jared.

He couldn ’ t remember a time where he felt this loved. They all slept better than they had in weeks.

 

 

“ Hey, Jay ” Jensen whispered, sitting on the bed next to Jared  “ It ’ s time to wake up ”

“ Can I sleep more? ” Jared groaned putting his hands in front of his eyes.

“ No, you can ’ t, sweetheart ” Jensen laughed, caressing Jared ’ s hair.

For a moment, Jared thought he was stuck into a dream. Since when did Jensen call him sweetheart? And while touching his hair? That never happened before, and yet, Jensen was acting like it ’ s completely normal.

“ I don ’ t want to go ”

Jensen dropped his smile, looking at Jared with eyes full of pain.

“ I know. But I ’ ll be there, alright? Not gonna leave you ”

“ We ’ re not in the same classes"

“ This week we are ” Jensen said, offering no further explanation.

He helped Jared get ready, his legs and arms are giving him too much trouble to do it by himself. It was nice to have Jensen taking care of him, and he was pretty sure that Jensen was enjoying it too.

They went to the car before driving to school, the tension building inside of Jared. If he was a freak before, it was nothing like he was now. He could already imagine how they would all look at him, with nothing but disgust in their eyes. He wasn ’ t ready to go back to school, he was far from ready, why did he say he was?

Jensen put his hand on his leg, trying to reassure him as best as he could. He could do it. He had to do it.

“ You ’ ll stay with me, right? ” He asked as Jensen opened the door

“ I promise ”

People were looking at him, of course they were, but it wasn ’ t the fact that he was now handicapped that took their attention, but the way Jensen placed his arm protectively around him, challenging anyone to say something.

Chad was there, leaning against one of the lockers, a bruise spreading on his face his right eye was almost closed.

“ Ackles ” He said as they walked pass him

“ Murray ”

The tension was so cold and tense that even Jared wanted to stop and look at them. He didn ’ t, though, just keep walking with Jensen next to him.

“ Hey Jared ” Marta said, entering the classroom  “ How are you? ”

“ Great, I mean, yeah, I ’ m great. What about you? ”

“ Oh, I ’ m fine ” She smiled, looking at him fondly. Jensen was sitting next to them, but he didn ’ t say anything, too busy taking Jared ’ s things out of his bag.  “ I ’ m glad you ’ re ok ”

“ Thanks, I … I ’ m glad too ” He admitted, and she may have no idea what it means to him, to be happy to be there, to be alive, but he knew, and so does Jensen.

Everything wasn ’ t perfect, he wasn ’ t feeling miraculously fine, but the little voice in his head telling him that nothing matters was getting quieter second by second, and he was finally able to think about the future.

It was a small victory, but it was the first of many.


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was beta by [debivc78](https://debivc78.tumblr.com/)

Days became weeks and weeks became months, and slowly Jared started to heal almost completely, whatever it was physically or mentally. He still had seizures, will probably have them all his life, but he learned to deal with it, and to be grateful for what he had left.  

Jensen kept teasing him that he looks like a warrior with his scars, and maybe it helped make things better.

He still went to JD's office once a week, more when he needed to, less when he didn't. His parents came, after and some time, they both apologized. His mom cried until she didn’t have any tears left in her body asking for forgiveness again and again. She couldn't lose another child. She just couldn't. He wouldn't say that he forgave them, not entirely at least, but he knew that anger and hate wouldn't help him move on.  It wouldn't change what happened or how he felt.  So he tried to understand them, as best as he could.  Together, they took time to work on getting closer and on leaning to know each other. 

“Stanford? Really Jensen?” Jared asked, looking at his boyfriend's application letters 

“What? It has a really good program”

“Nothing to do with me going to Stanford?”

“You? You're going to Sanford? I completely forgot” Jensen pretended to be shocked and Jared rolled his eyes, a smile on his face. 

“You're not gonna leave me alone, are you?” 

“Nope, don't think you'll get rid of me so easily” 

“Wouldn't  dream of that” Jared says, kissing the top of Jensen's nose. 

They're not really sure when they started dating. Maybe it was when Jensen took him to see a movie, the lack of lights allowing them to do what they were both to afraid to do in the daylight, Jensen holding his hand as tight as possible.  Or maybe it was when he came to have dinner with his parents.  Or the first time they kiss, right in front of the school. Maybe it was way before, back in the hospital with nothing but the truth to share. 

It didn’t matter, because now, they're a couple. An official couple, doing all the things Jared never thought they would do, and he’s savoring every moment of it. 

“I’m serious, though. I’ll have a roommate, but you’ll be able to come over every single day.” Jensen says, dropping his head on Jared’s lap “Then next year, when I’ll have saved enough money, you’ll move in with me, in our own apartment” 

“Who said I want to live with you?” Jared teased, playing with Jensen’s hair

“Oh darling, you think you've got a choice here? We’re sweethearts now” 

“Aren’t we supposed to be like, the Queen and King of the prom to be true sweethearts?”

“I don’t know” Jensen says, looking at the ceiling “We didn’t go to the prom, otherwise, we would have been” 

“Don’t think so”

Jensen looked at him for a few seconds before getting up, searching frantically on his desk. He finally finds his phone, hiding beyond all his paper, and he smiles victoriously.

“What are you doing?” Jared asks, closing his notebook.

Jensen didn’t answer but put the music on.

_watch my back so I make sure_

_you're right behind me as before_

_yesterday the night before tomorrow_

“Jen…” Jared complained, but Jensen wasn’t having none of it. He extended his hand toward Jared, who could do nothing else but take it. 

They’re standing toe to toe.   Jensen’s arms around his waist, and they start dancing slowly. Jared's legs were too weak for them to go to the prom, so they chose to go out on their own instead. But he wished he could have danced with Jensen, even if it was just for one dance.  

_dry my eyes so you won't know_

_dry my eyes so I won't show_

_I know you're right behind me_

_and don't you let me go, let me go tonight_

_don't you let me go, let me go tonight_

Jensen holds him closer as Jared drops his head on his shoulder. They're barely moving, enough to consider it a dancing, but they don't care. They simply let themselves be transported by the music, the world fading away behind them. 

_cause I_ _’_ _m looking for my friend_

_now I got you, got you_

 

They came from a long way, and they still have a lot of things to work on.  Maybe they will never have a relationship like the others have, full of innocence and easy, but Jared knew that the pain they suffered, the things they surpassed together, make their relationship deeper than any other.

 “I love you” Jensen whispered, kissing Jared neck “I love you so, so much” 

“Me too, Jensen”

He closed his eyes, hiding in Jensen’s neck, thinking of how many times he'd dreamt of this, how many nights he stayed up, imagining this. Somehow, it was never as good as it now, as perfect as it is. 

“Don’t leave me. Ever” Jensen voice was cracking  and Jared hugged him closer, until Jensen was supporting all of his weigh, his feet almost not touching the floor anymore.

“Wouldn’t dream of it” Jared replied, his forehead pressed against Jensen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here the end, everyone.   
> Thanks to all of you who followed this story, and who sent love.   
> This fic felt like hell. I've been left by so many beta, I couldn't post anything, and when I did, I got a bunch of bad comments that put me down. But all of the bad stuff is nothing compared to all the good and positives comments I got.   
> I hope you all love the fic as much as I loved writing it.   
> I know the end may say a little brutal, but the goal of this fic was to focus on Jared, not really on Jared/Jensen. It was about seeing him growing up, accepting himself and learning to move on. 
> 
> Thanks again for all the love <3


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